Lose Learn Love
by intellectualmonkey
Summary: Snape's story. An explaination of his past, and why he is the way he is. Not like the others. Prequel to Girl Forgotten. CH. 2! R/R
1. Changes

Lose. Learn. Love. (Prequel to Girl Forgotten)  
  
This is Professor Snape's story. It is the prequel to Girl Forgotten (which won't be posted until this story is done). The beginning will be mostly an explanation of Snape's past (ie: his childhood, death-eater days, etc.), the middle will be some of him working through problems, etc. and the end will involve some heart thawing, and a new friend/possible love interest. Not like the others. The end will be a bit of a cliff-hanger, but all will be explained/continued eventually in Girl Forgotten. This is an all-around explanation as to why Snape is so nasty. And exploration into the true emotions that go on behind the tall, dark, handsome... *ahem* um, mysterious exterior. This whole story line is going to be an epic of monster proportion. After Girl Forgotten there will be another fic, I don't have the title, or much plot beyond the basics yet, but I will reveal more on that topic in Girl Forgotten. Anyway, enjoy!  
  
Disclaimer: I do not own any of the characters/ settings/ plots in most of this story. Some of them are products of my imagination, but most belong to JK Rowling. If you seriously think I own them I suggest you seek counseling. That is all.  
  
OK all you people reading this, I'm still new at writing fics so bear with me. While this is not my first fic (it's my 2nd), it is my first Harry Potter fic. I apologize in advance for misspellings and/or typos. If you spot any horrendous ones (ex: character name misspelled, etc.) let my know via review, but don't be mean! If you have any suggestions, questions, or comments, write them in a review. As always I am open to criticism, please keep it constructive though. Tell me what you think. REVIEW!  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* ~*~*~*  
  
Professor Severus Snape sat in front of the fire in the teachers lounge at Hogwarts. The high-backed armchair hid him from sight, save the hand that rested on the glass of Merlot on the table beside him. The firelight danced around the nearly blood-red liquid, casting red shadows on the pale hand encircling the stem and base loosely.  
  
The distant, mysterious professor spent many such nights in the same fashion. So many, in fact, that his colleagues did not take any notice of him. In the beginning they had tried to talk to him, to get to know him. The majority of the teachers were close friends, as their colleagues were virtually the only adults that they came in contact with for the better part of a year. Snape, however, had remained aloof, and refused to assimilate with the group. His bitter demeanor and foul mood had worried them in the beginning, but upon voicing their concerns, they were met with a snide remark, or stinging comment. They didn't bother anymore.  
  
Professor Snape smiled bitterly at the last thought. He had pushed them away forcefully, just as he pushed everyone away. He hadn't one friend or close family member. He was a loner. Snape was so immersed in his own bitter diatribes that he did not notice one face in the room looking at him with concern.  
  
Professor Flitwick entered the room startling Snape out of his reverie. His eyes fell upon Professor Victoria Darcy. She was the new Defense Against Dark Arts teacher, and though he hated admitting it to himself, seemed more than capable of keeping the job. Indeed, the students loved her, the faculty respected her, Dumbledore favored her, and she knew her stuff. In fact, she was possibly even more knowledgeable in that area than Snape, though getting him to admit it would be like pulling teeth. She had even earned his grudging respect upon displaying a marvelous plethora of knowledge in potions. She was a wonder girl, seemingly good at everything, and always there to help others and make friends.  
  
Despite this, she was a mystery. Like Snape, she revealed little, to no information about her past. No one knew where she came from, or who her parents were. All anyone knew was that she went to Hogwarts, then "studied abroad" after which she attended several magical universities where she obtained masteries in various areas. To everyone's surprise she had also received an extensive muggle education, including attending Harvard University and Law School, and Oxford University.  
  
Snape met her eyes across the room and saw the concern and question in them. He sighed inwardly, if she was going to stay she had to learn. He scowled at her and turned back to the fire. A touch on his arm startled him and he turned to look up. Apparently Professor Darcy had not gotten the message from his scowl, because she was standing next to his chair looking down at him worried.  
  
"Can I help you?" Snape asked coldly.  
  
"Are you alright, you seem... sad, distant kind of...?" she merely said.  
  
Snape was a little taken aback at this. A part of him was warmed, well thawed a little at her concern, but his dominant, surly self pushed that emotion away quickly.  
  
"I am perfectly fine, thank you very much, and in fact I would appreciate it if you would stick your nub in somebody else's business and stay out of my life." he said in a tone that would have made ice cubes shiver.  
  
Victoria's eyebrows shot up, but she did not seem hurt, or angry, in fact the words didn't seem to affect her at all, or she hid it well.  
  
"Are you sure..." she persisted.  
  
"Positive, now sod off," he said in a low menacing growl with special emphasis on the last two words.  
  
'Doesn't this girl take a hint?' he thought to himself.  
  
She gave him another puzzled look, but returned serenely to her seat. She was unperturbed by his mood, and obvious displeasure.  
  
Suddenly, Snape realized that the room was dead silent. The entire faculty had stopped what they were doing to observe the exchange. It seemed as if everybody was holding their breath. Snape glared around the room and they quickly returned to what they had been doing.  
  
Professor McGonagall peered cautiously at the young Miss. Victoria. She had never seen anybody act as she had towards Professor Snape, especially not a new teacher. Most kept their distance, and cowered under his glare. Never, had anyone approached him and enquired about his mood, save perhaps Dumbledore on occasion. But even he was hesitant to ask. Moreover, she was seemingly unaffected by his temper and all around nastiness.  
  
Professor McGonagall looked around, as if to confirm her thoughts, and found the other teachers looking at Victoria in much the same fashion. She could easily tell that they were just as perplexed as her.  
  
"Maybe there is hope after all," Professor McGonagall whispered to Professor Flitwick beside her. He nodded, looking at the new professor with new respect, then returned to his work.  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* ~*~*~*~*  
  
Later that night Dumbledore sat in his office listening to Minerva's recount of the whole incident. He chuckled at the look of sheer oblivion on her face. He did not think he had ever seen her wearing that expression.  
  
"... and she just glided back to her chair and sat down. No emotion, no hurt, no.. anything!" she said in a frustrated huff. She gave a loud exasperated sigh, and crossed her arms, looking much like a child pouting at not receiving the candy he/she had desperately wanted.  
  
Dumbledore sympathetically offered her the bag of lemon drops he had been holding, but he was unable to keep the glint of humor out of his eyes. McGonagall declined the lemon drops, and he merely shrugged and began laboriously prying apart two bright yellow drops that had stuck together. He chewed thoughtfully for several minutes as Minerva waited impatiently.  
  
"Well! Aren't you going to say anything?" she finally asked.  
  
"My dear, I think that change is coming on the wind. It's as simple as that. There is nothing we can do to either help or hinder it. We must simply sit back and watch how it plays out. This is between Professors Snape and Darcy now. I feel that this will be good for Severus. He needs someone, he is so lonely Minerva, though he won't admit it, I can see it. It may also be hard, he is going to have to revisit some things he has blocked away for many years. As for Victoria, well we may find out who she really is in the process. She has had a hard life too, though she has healed a bit more. I fear that the experience may reopen some of her old wounds, but it must be done for the two of them to completely heal." Dumbledore said slowly. He then returned his attention to the lemon drops in his lap.  
  
"Do you have any idea what they are feeling, thinking, anything?" Minerva asked in desperation, "Do you know anything of their pasts?"  
  
Dumbledore sighed and set the lemon drops down on his desk. He turned to McGonagall and fixed her with a grave expression.  
  
"I'm afraid I can see very little into them. They are so guarded, and have mental and emotional defenses the highest I've ever seen. I am usually very good at reading people, and I know I seem to know an uncanny amount of information about everyone, but I know virtually nothing of Victoria, and not much more of Severus." He stated, "I'm sorry I can't help you further.  
  
McGonagall sighed, looking defeated.  
  
"That's all right Albus." She said with little enthusiasm.  
  
He patted her hand sympathetically as she got up to leave.  
  
"I'll tell you if anything else interesting happens," she called as she walked out of his office,  
  
Dumbledore nodded, then returned to his lemon drops.  
  
Well kiddies, what do you think so far? I'll get into the thicker plot with the next chapter, and revisit Snape's childhood. Updates will be roughly once a week, with a few exceptions for final exam week, and my trip to London (yeah!). Until then click that little button in the lower, left- hand corner, and send me a little review. PPPPPPLLLLLLEEEEEEAAAAAASSSSSSEEEEEE!!!!!!! (Thank you!)  
  
(PS: I'm not sure I'm spelling McGonagall correctly, and am not at home so therefore have no access to the books to check it. If you know tell me. Thanks!) 


	2. The Beginning

Lose. Learn. Love.  
CH. 2  
  
Oh my gosh! I am soooooo sorry this update took so long. I personally apologize for any distress and/or anger I might have caused due to the lack of update. Before you strangle me, let me at least tell why. *innocently* I may have, er... broken curfew. OK, here's what happened, a couple of my friends and I had gone out to a movie last weekend. Afterward, we went out to dinner, and well I lost track of time a bit. Anyway, to make a long story short, I got home like 45 minutes after my ridiculously early curfew and was grounded from the computer for 3 weeks, because I didn't call and say I was going to be late. I promise you that as soon as my parents said I could go back on I wrote, and posted this! Don't worry this is not a regular occurrence, I am normally very prompt. Anyway, to the fic..!  
  
OK if you reviewed the last chapter THANK YOU! Look for your name below, and if you didn't review, Shame On You! *shakes finger menacingly*.  
  
Me: (no not me the author, this person's name is me) Thank you! You don't need to worry, I'll be getting chapters up pretty regularily, so bear with me.  
  
Angel Apple: Thank you! This fic is going to cover a lot more of Snape. The next fic will be Victoria.  
  
Kyna Farge: Wow! I do too! Don't worry, an end to Snape's loneliness is on the horizon.  
  
Snape_snogger3000: Thanks! (interesting name, LOL)  
  
Enjoy this chapter and review when you're done!  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* ~  
  
Snape lay in his bed, very much awake, staring at the ceiling of his chambers. He never really slept all that well, but this night was unusually bad. He could just get up and brew a simple sleeping potion, but he didn't have the heart to. Snape found that they often left him groggy, and unfocused in the morning, and he couldn't afford to be anything less than 100% alert with that Longbottom disaster in his first class. Besides, he considered it a sort of penance that he hadn't had a good nights sleep since he became a spy for Dumbledore.  
  
The lives that he destroyed as a death eater haunted his dreams, and waking thoughts. While he had been far less active in the "sport" of killing those opposing Voldemort he had still killed a few. There was five in all, he replaid their deaths over and over in his head. He had been fairly merciful, giving them quick, painless deaths, but he had still killed them.  
  
Sighing, he rolled over onto his stomach and forced himself to push the thought from his mind. Just as he was drifting to sleep, another image popped into his head. This one was of his father standing over a 7-year-old version of himself with his fist poised to attack. Snape winced, he knew what was coming. In his waking nightmare he heard himself scream in fear, and shout random apologies for some insignificant accident that had happened, prompting his father's beatings. It was always like that, he would spill a glass of milk, and his father would beat him; he would trip on the curb of a sidewalk, and his father would beat him. During the beatings his father would shout about living up to the Snape name, about toughening up, and mostly how he was an embarrassment to the family. As a child Snape knew his father required perfection of him, and tried very hard to please him, but was never successful. The fact was that his father enjoyed beating him.  
  
In the beginning his mother had comforted him, and healed his wounds. Later that night she would confront Winston about beating his son, his only son. Severus could hear the shouting from down the hall, and he feared for his mother. Alice Snape had married Winston Snape at a fairly young age, while her husband was much older. She had become pregnant almost immediately, and the birthing had been long and very painful. In the end she had been too young, and after giving birth to Severus, was unable to bear any more children. She had immediately lost favor with Winston. They stopped sharing a bedroom, they hardly talked, and were generally cold to each other. While Winston was able to take a long line of mistresses, Alice had been unable to, because she had to be the perfect wife, in an imperfect marriage. The one thing that kept her from killing herself was Severus. He was her baby, and she gave him all her love since it wasn't needed elsewhere. This angered Winston even more. He ordered her to stop "babying the boy". When she refused, he beat her. That had never happened before. While they virtually hated each other, Winston had remembered his honor enough to not touch her. This was the last straw for Alice. She could stand it no more. The next day, in a cascade of tears, she packed her things and left.  
  
Her parting words to Severus were, "I love you honey, very much. Don't you ever believe otherwise. But mommy has to go now, or this place will kill mommy okay? No, don't cry everything will be fine. I'm sorry that you didn't get a stronger mother who could bear this, and protect you. I'm weak, sorry baby, good-bye."  
  
She then ran to the waiting coach, leaving a little seven-year-old boy standing alone, and scared. She waved out the window as she drove off. Severus called her name and tried to run after her, but his father's, not too gentle, hand kept him back. Breaking into anguished tears he sank to the ground. His father kicked him sharply in the ribs, hissing at him to stop making a fool of himself. He stalked quickly into the house, dragging the boy after him.  
  
From that point on the beatings got worse, but thankfully, less frequent. His father was gone most of the time, so Severus was left alone. He became very quiet and withdrawn, eating hardly anything. For a while he was angry at his mother for leaving him, but later he realized that it had been his father's fault. Despite this, he was unable to believe that his mother loved him, since he received no letters. In fact he came to believe that no one could love him, and thus became very depressed. Soon, however, a new hope blossomed on the horizon. That hope was Hogwarts. On his eleventh birthday he received a letter saying that he had been accepted to the school. That fall he boarded the train for nine months away from his father, and his heart was light for the first time in may years.  
  
Severeus was an exceptional student. Since he had been alone so often, he had found his companionship in books. He had read every book in his father's library by the time he was ten, so knew quite a lot of magic already. He was therefore pushed ahead two years. That put him into the same class as James Potter. Severus remained the best student in the class, and often studied ahead. He got perfect scores on every test, an final, and worked very hard to achieve this. Despite this, he had few friends. James Potter was well liked by all, even the teachers, but he was (in Severus's opinion) a stupid oaf. Severus grew to resent James, and often tried to get him in trouble. This resulted in James, and his friends waging an unspoken war against Snape. Now he was being abused at home, and school. It was about this time that he had started shutting people out, and adopted his surly nature. Those were just tools, however, to cover the hurt and pain in his heart.  
  
Snape smiled bitterly into the night. If only things had been different then, maybe none of this would have happened. Maybe he would have some heart left. Now he had nothing left inside of him but anger, pain, and horrible memories.  
  
Well, whadda think? Just let me know by pushing that little button below, in the left corner. PLEASE! Anyway, sorry if this is a little short, but this chapter and the next chapter were prewritten before the whole grounded from the computer incident, so I wasn't planning on having to make up for the lost time. Some of the chapters will be dialogue, like the last one, and some will be like this one. It just depends on my mood, so sorry if that bothers you, but deal with it. Thanks! Bye! 


	3. sorry

Okay, this is a letter of apology, as u know (if u read the last chapter) I was grounded from the computer. Well, when I posted that chapter I was technically still grounded (oops!). See how loyal I am to you people!? I risk punishment to give you something to read! Anyway, somehow, don't ask me how, my parents found out that I had gone on the computer, and whoa were they mad! I got yelled at for an hour about discipline, and responsibility, and not purposely disobeying them, and blah blah blah.. *snore*.Yet they still weren't done. The sent me "right to bed" that night, and when I got home from school the next day, they had actually taken the computer from my room! They said I wasn't allowed to have it back until I proved that I was responsible enough for it (grr!). So for the last couple of weeks I've been slaving away, trying to get my computer back to post more chapters for you. No please, hold your applause... Even as we speak (or you read) I am diligently working away at the next chapter, expect it in the next few days (sorry, but I have to edit, and rewrite, and such. I'm a perfectionist, it's not my fault, it's genetic). Plus I'll have you know it is finals week, and I am writing during it! I am generously taking time out of my studying to work on it even though I told you not to expect any chapters during finals week, SO THERE!  
Sincerely,  
Intellectual*monkey (PS: If you must rant about the current lack of chapters e-mail me at Dixieland668@cs.com, or IM me at Dixieland668. Even if you don't want to rant, but just wish to talk, or comment on my writing, or some such thing feel free to write me.) 


End file.
